let's get back into the routine with a quiz. even though i decided never to do quizzes on this blog.

three names you go by:
-- karyn, because it's my name.
-- rarin, because my sister is very strange.
-- honey, because it's supposed to be loveable, but sometimes i wonder if he remembers my real name (of course he does).

three screen names you have:
-- restlessxxpoetry (active),
-- poetryinmywounds (not so much),
-- stjarndamm (not at all).

three things you like about yourself:
-- my determination,
-- my writings the days the word cooperate,
-- my eyes.

3 things you hate about yourself:
-- that i'm so damn considerate,
-- that i can't seem to let go,
-- that i'm currently pursuing a degree in procrastination (ok, so not really, but i might as well).

three parts of your heritage:
-- swedish,
-- and swedish,
-- and more swedish.

three things that scare you:
-- the truth (will set you free, but the question is: do you want to be free?),
-- making decisions,
-- losing all that i have.

three everyday essentials:
-- caffeine,
-- kitties loving on me,
-- words.

three things you are wearing right now:
-- jeans,
-- white tanktop
-- underwear, including a bra (!!!). that story is yet to come.

three favorite artists:
-- ani difranco  (show me what you sound like when you're not wearing words),
-- indigo girls (you have to laugh at yourself, because you would cry your eyes out if you didn't)
-- lars winnerbäck (man får resa i sig själv i korridorerna på psyk)

three favorite songs at present time:
-- fuel (ani difranco),
-- as is (ani difranco),
-- little girl blue (janis joplin).

three things you want in a relationship:
-- honesty and truth,
-- comfortable silences (thanks sam),
-- minimal insanity.

two truths and one lie:
-- i just realised i've already done this quiz,
-- sometimes i'm so tired of life that i want to cry,
-- i'm terrified of having children.

three physical things that appeal to you in a mate:
-- eyes (preferably dark),
-- hands (that know what they're doing),
-- smile (imperfect, please).

three things you can't do:
-- put my logical mind aside (sometimes i wish i could),
-- eat meat, fish or dairy (ouch ouch ouch),
-- make sense.

three favorite hobbies:
-- knitting,
-- writing,
-- cooking.

three things you want to do badly right now:
-- see my family (it's been two years now),
-- find my inspiration,
-- magically have a cleaned house and my homework done (oh the stress).

three careers you are considering:
-- i don't know,
-- i don't know,
-- i have no fucking idea.

three places you want to go:
-- to my grandparents summerhouse back in sweden,
-- to my parents kitchen and drink tea with mom,
-- to new york and see christi before i leave.

three kids name:
-- eli,
-- ...
-- ...

three things you want to do before you die:
-- own a little house that i love,
-- find happiness and sanity,
-- become pregnant.

i'm so fucking depressed these days. i've really been trying to be amusing about it, and not turn into a whiny bitch, but i just can't.

i'm turning 25 in exactly four months. 25, people! when my mom turned 25 she had given birth to a child (me), had a degree and was getting married the next day. i feel like i haven't done anything in my life except beating the depression, and guess what? as soon as i go below 150 i get cranky. below 75 i get unbearable. guess it was just the drugs after all.

i know it's the holidays. i've never been much for holiday crap, but suddenly i feel myself wanting to cry just thinking about my family at grandma's on friday. they're gonna be there and i'm... not. i also know i can't go home because i would miss aaron so fucking much. i can't do five minutes without him. i seriously can't. being without him would plunge me into a depression so deep i'd never get up. for real.

in a few days we're gonna be out of effexor for real. brain shivers, here we come!

i hate america. seriously, i do. i hate never knowing how hot or cold it is because you people use your own fucking system. what's wrong with celsius? i hate having to take the car everywhere. i hate all the bush stickers (everybody in sweden hates bush), i hate all the fast food places we have to pass every day and my god i hate that it's not home.

most of all i miss the snow i think.

i'm so frustrated that i don't know what to do with myself. silly, silly reasons. but they get to me none the less.

last night i was finally done cleaning the kitchen of living room. that means, two rooms down, three to go. the only thing i didn't do was the dishes, because aaron promised he would. which he, of course, didn't. he made breakfast this morning, again without cleaning a single dish or putting anything away after he used it. is it too much to ask that he at least put the lid on the butter? we do have four cats that plays on the counter all day long. if it wasn't for that i wouldn't be so upset about it.

before he left he gave the babies cat nip that they quickly spread all over the living room. the room i vacuumed late last night. he of course promised to clean it up when he comes home, just as he promised to do the dishes last night and change the kitty litter this morning. and i can't yell at him for it because he's out of a.d.d-medicine and can barely function. i've been up his ass for weeks about getting a new prescription, but of course he missed his appointment and called the same day he took the last two pills to ask the doctor to call it in. she did and now walgreens say it's a controlled substance and that they need it in writing.

that's reason one. or maybe one two three and four.

yesterday was a big day. for the first time since i was freaking seventeen i won an argument that included food and my mom. and i'm twenty-four. that's how old i was when i became eating disordered. i was never anorectic in the sense that i found myself fat. i knew i was getting dangerously thin, but i didn't care. because a) i needed to succeed with something. and i knew how to lose weight. b) i wanted attention.

i have two younger siblings. that might not sound like a lot, but my god, did they know how to take up my parents' time! i remember one occasion during my entire childhood when my mother chose to direct her attention towards me and not one of them. i had fallen and gotten a bad wound right by my eye when my baby brother woke up and started screaming. i'll never forget the feeling when mom actually finished taking care of my wound before feeding him.

so yeah. i was eating disordered. it lasted most of high school, but eventually i got hungry. or something. when i graduated at age 19 it had turned around. a year later, at 20 i became vegetarian. to this day my mom blames my eating disorder on my vegetarianism. she doesn't care they came in a reverse order.

"i'd rather be a successful anorectic than one that failed". that's what she told me yesterday. whatever. i'm not gonna put more energy into it right now. she's fucked enough with my head as it is. i need to sign offline so that mom can call me, but tia is playing heating pad on my lap, so i don't know how that's gonna work. i can't get to the phone anyway. i'm listening to indigo girls and the cd keeps skipping. i should go study. i have tons of psychology to do before sunday.

i'm sick again. i'm so tired of being sick. i'm talking to elin. she's getting help with her eating disorder, but then she has to accept that with getting out of this comes the fact that she'll weight 130 lbs when they're done. which she can't. it's so frustrating. i'm glad i don't have to deal with it on a daily basis, i could never take it. sometimes i wonder if she'd be this sick if i hadn't dumped her. you can't stay with someone just to be nice. she was dragging me down. aaron. pulled me up.

today we're going to the library, the book store, the natural food store and to pick up a ceiling fan from a crazy bush-lady. well, it's free, so i guess i need to ignore the fact that she's mesmerised by bush. yeah, that's the actual word she used. i know i misspelled it too.

i think i have a fever. aaron made me special tea. it has sage, ginger and osha root in it, and i think he did something with his herbs with it, because i can feel the smell of sage and sweetgrass. i need to lay down. i fucking hate being sick.